“Goat Simulator” is buggy, will bore you to tears

The game, despite being simple, is infected with bugs. Photo courtesy of coffeestainstudios.com.
The game, despite being simple, is infected with bugs. Photo courtesy of coffeestainstudios.com.

Apparently “Goat Simulator” generated enough revenue upon its initial PC release to warrant a rerelease on the Xbox One and Xbox 360. I know you probably rarely, if ever, take the words of your humble narrator to heart, but please hear me out on this: Do NOT buy “Goat Simulator.”

  1. You will be bored to tears within an hour

When it was first announced, “Goat Simulator” relied on one thing to sell itself: quirkiness. Even I can’t deny that I was initially attracted to the game by its sheer audacity to be so stupid. You can’t deny that there isn’t much quirkier than a goat blindly destroying everything in its path as it jetpacks down a crowded city street.

As it turns out, this isn’t really enough to warrant much more than an hour or so of gameplay. There are only so many wacky things you can do with your goat before everything you’re doing seems to fuse together into one jumbled mass. Without any intelligent humor behind it, “Goat Simulator” just ends up as an uninspired ragdoll simulator, which you will fully exploit very quickly.

  1. The game is buggy

I’m usually pretty willing to forgive even the buggiest of games, provided there’s a legitimate reason for the bugs. I played through “Oblivion,” “Skyrim” and “Fallout 3” and am pretty sure there is at least 10 percent of each game I have not experienced due to the ample supply of game-breaking bugs Bethesda felt fit to keep throwing at me. But I forgave each game because they are momentous feats of engineering in and of themselves. Even with the content I never got to see, I had hundreds of hours of gaming in each installment. The fact that I only lost out on 10 percent is probably really good for the size of those games.

Under no circumstances does “Goat Simulator” have this going for it. The game is tiny, even by indie standards. There is no excuse for Coffee Stain Studios to not have “Goat Simulator” running absolutely perfectly.

“But the bugs add to the game’s quirkiness!” you might say in response. To that, I would call you an idiot. Bugs are not a feature – if you let this slide, you’re sending a bad message to other developers that they can send out a half-developed piece of garbage and call it a day.

  1. Games like this are already starting to ruin the industry

I am, and have been for years, adamant about the fact that video games are a burgeoning art form. They are a fusion of storytelling and imagery that interacts with the player in a way that only the greatest of films and novels can hope to accomplish. Unfortunately, for each “The Last of Us” or “BioShock: Infinite,” there’s a “Goat Simulator.” If we want to push the bounds on what video games can do, we have to take all efforts to push out the crap like “Goat Simulator” before it infects the entire industry.

Bossa Studios, who previously developed “Surgeon Simulator 2013,” brought to the table next, “I Am Bread,” in which the player is a piece of bread that wants to be toasted and must get through each level without becoming inedible before making it to the toaster.

Let me be clear that I don’t necessarily have a problem with the game’s stupid premise – I’m not trying to make sure every game is a piece of gaming gold – I just don’t want games to exist that rely exclusively off of a stupid/quirky premise to sell, which “I Am Bread” does. Bossa proved to me with “Surgeon Simulator” that they’re a well-qualified developer, yet “I Am Bread” is poorly designed and dull. If the gameplay were good, I wouldn’t even mention it in this article, but as it stands, it’s sending off the vibe that it is a game that was designed to capitalize off the quirky factor that “Goat Simulator” trademarked and I will have no part of it. You shouldn’t either. Send a message to developers that if they don’t put work into their games, we won’t take part in them.

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